I realize that lately I've been feeling more and more emotionally numb. I believe this is due to a deficient amount of effort put into my problems. Though, there are a lot that can't be solved so simply. Weather or not he is to die, my mind has already accepted the fact my father has been removed from my life. I also am everyday dismayed with my computer. Instead of dealing with futile commissions, I've decided to get a job. I kind of wish I had someone to hold my hand the whole way but any sort of guiding figure has been removed from my life. I seem to walk around in a stupor, yet... I'm happy. I guess it's because that's become the norm. I feel happy, yet empty. I'm simply happy for the fact I have no reason not to be. This has lead to a string of irate actions towards anyone who starts conflict. I feel joyous with no real direction, or anyone to share it with. I still love Celia with all of my heart. I just can't hold her problems on my shoulders while my legs lift my own. On my back, I have the depression of my best friend, looking happy, yet more defeated than I do. I find it hard to be pleasant with her when on top of that, she confronts me with a bad mood. I never want to leave her side, but I wish she could understand the mental strain I deal with.. I know you feel you've been cheated by your parents, but in comparison, I have nothing. For your birthday, I gave you my funds as well as what was left of my birthday. While you complain about only getting pants (on top of a new TV, bed, and rockbands) I still have to pay away all my money to a woman who'd rather see me homeless than have a dime to my name. I don't mean to make you feel bad, but please just think of the implications before you speak.

Uhhhhg... ranting gives me a headache.
I need a shower.
I love you, celia.

Out with the [blank] in with the-god aren't we all tired of that expression by now? Anywhooo~ Things have been mildly interesting. I started a war with my aunt and found how much she values the well being of my whole family and even her own mother. But this IS a journal so I'm allowed to talk to myself. I'm starting to draw more, which is good. I'll start putting up new stuff, even if I think it's crappy. Also, I've discovered the band she. he webpage is BEAUTIFUL. Right now I just can't stop thinking about and how much she means to me. She'll be living with her dad for a few weeks and I'm going to miss her so much! Oh well, it IS for the better. Just when I think I'm down, she shows me I can smile. I thank her more than she'll ever know for that. While I'm still one big ball of sunshine I AM still human and I DO get whiny/sad sometimes. I hope that's not how people see me though... I'm afraid people see me as a sad person b/c I'm shy or I'm tired(I usually am until the sun goes down). Oh what should I do~? Heh, I should do my homework. Something surprised me the other day. I figured out what miracle wish I'd have if I could have one. Before I stated my own, I asked a friend. He answered with what I was thinking. That everyone in the world was always in a good mood.

I feel numb and blank. I feel no happiness yet I have no reason to be sad. Not only do I not care anymore who reads, these but I, to a point, don't want anyone to. How can I be honest when I have to tiptoe around? I feel [blank] because [blank] is [blank] and [blank] me. Mmmm... so poetic. Even though I want a new computer more than I like sliced ham, I'm not quite sure it will bring me the happiness I hope for. Even with dazzling new graphics and capabilities, I can't replace the sense that I'm truly alone. It's gotten to the point where people leave early or stop saying anything and leaving without a farewell. I'm simply falling into the background amongst those other people everyone watches sign in and never talks to. I'm not asking for people to talk to me, I'm just wondering what has changed inside of me to become this entity that can't even bring light into any ones life, even if I tried. [blank] says I still do. [blank] means it. [blank] will seemingly never give me the chance. And I don't think I ever did truly make [blank] happy. I really can't even enjoy my music due to the crapticity level of my headphones. That's another thing? Why does everyone get excited when I get something new and whine about me having something crappy yet never try to help? I'm sorry my [blank] hurt and my [blank] is a piece of shit. Why is the solution to always just leave to where you have it better? Why not try helping to improve my situation? I spend my last dimes on you anyhow. While this may sound specific, it's really not. In truth everyone really would rather go to where they have it better, leaving behind the bad. When you give someone something, it's old crap. Even if you realize that, giving nothing is just as bad. When's the last time you decided to surprise someone with something new?

For the people who read my last journal, I have news about my insomnia. It's gotten worse! I haven't slept earlier than four since I wrote my last journal! This means that my usual sleep hour is from 4-6 in the morning. I hate to say it... but I have an addiction, and it's to being awake. Just as some people can't stop eating little snacks, I can't stop being awake ((or eating little snacks, but that, I'm progressing on.)) So With all this time ((That I SHOULD be doing homework)) I should probably do something productive, instead of watching gundam... which you should watch too because it's absolutely amazing. For guys, giant robots with real war elements that aren't just there like "I'm gushlanopiastan and I'm going to r00l joo!". It actually makes sense. Well there's all that and the hot anime girls. And for girls the main chars are 4... well ok, 3 hot guys and one person who should be ((Spoiler:And later, kinda is)) a girl. And it was the first anime to make me cry. Her arm!! D; It's possibly darker than black awesome, and way more than what I expected after being bored to death by SEED. Anywho, that aside, I have decided to write for tonight and I'm now asking all you out there... should I keep writing? Does anybody still read this? While I may not have awesome poll powers, DA has allowed me to put questions in my journal. So, please tell me if I should keep writing... or if I've just been away too long for anyone to care.

And THANK YOU SO MUCH for the thousand views that have passed me by while I took the time to blink. Seriously, I guess someone must be reading this.

And [link] for all of you lazy people who are willing to take a quick watch.

It's 3:40 right now... the earliest I've gone to sleep in a few weeks was 2. I have insomnia now but it's not really a problem in my eyes... just more time. I fill the latest of the late night with tranquil melodies that see me off. My insomnia isn't a disorder. It's an addiction. I just don't want to sleep. I don't like knowing I have to stop living. That's what sleep is to me now. The last page... the ending credits... the final curtain... It's an end to my day that my greed simply can't allow. Most would argue if I said I don't like to sleep. I sleep in until my feeble state becomes stable. I'll wake up and fall out like a sparking match that just doesn't seem to light. The problem isn't that I can't sleep at night. I just won't. I'm an opportunist. Every moment is open to possibility. I could fly a kite or paint or sing at four AM. Why should I waste that time with sleep? Sleep is the passing of time. I don't want to waste a single second. Life is too beautiful to give up a single moment. I wish I lived in a big city, way up high, dangling my feet over the lights and silence that the night graces the air with... To listen to ambient sounds from my pocket. just watching night life grow, die, and start anew. I can feel it with my my eyes, taste it with my ears, see it through my skin, letting it absorb me into a world of contrast. The is no light without shadow and nothing is truly dark in this lifetime. That's what's beautiful. There is a delicate balance that's ever shifting. I've moved passed living now, I feel with my soul... This is nothing spiritual, I'm just experiencing inspiration in the purest form. It's lovely, the height. Is this why they call it... I sit above the city every night. Feeling what smokers do. That lingering peace that manifests the moment you step out the door. That's the only reason I want to smoke... to give me a reason to be outside when no one will join me. To stand atop the breath of thousands, watching life tick. It's art in motion. I travel to the same place every night to experience this and it's always new. It's the only place I can really be myself. I'm much to poor to live up to my potential as I am. But for now... this will do. Yeah... this will do.